What you see

You see the smile. You see the "sparkly" eyes (Thank you SnapChat...lol). 

You see the mom learning a game that her boys made up. And not that bad of a game either. They certainly know how to use their imagination and figure things out (when they aren't at each other's throat...lol).

But behind all that....is this:

A wife, mom, friend battling depression.

I have been fighting it for a while. I wanted to be able to make it thru the other side with no help.I have been fighting each day to just get out of bed....but I do....but not always much farther. 

I have had to force myself to take my kids to a movie that we have wanted to go to all summer. I have made plans and have canceled them. I have made plans and forced myself because I knew I needed to come out of the fog. 

Lately, it's been me and my buddy Netflix. My husband has been at the brunt of my attitude. My kids have been on the wrong end of my harsh words. Then the last few days, it's seemed to have gotten worse as I am not sleeping much.

I have headaches and migraines pretty much everyday. I figure it is a circle I am chasing my tail around. I have a headache and don't feel like doing anything, so then I feel bad that I'm not spending time with my kids, then I feel terrible about the type of mother I am being, thus I just bring myself farther down.

Today, I knew I needed to get some help. I went to see a doctor and we are on a plan to help me. I also had blood drawn to see how my thyroid is....as I have given up trying to figure out why I can't lose weight. I know if I felt better and got moving more, that would help tremendously. So all in all....praying I can get this all figured out.

Side note....you know your blood pressure is way high when the person taking it holds her breath and says "Whooo weee, girl!" lol. I said "I'm guessing that's not good" haha

I kept all this struggle quiet. I didn't talk to anyone about it. I figured I could do it on my own. Hubs started figuring out something was wrong, but didn't know what. He questioned a few times what was wrong. I kept quiet still.

So....deciding to not keep quiet anymore. There's a time and a place for keeping quiet....but I think society has started to get rid of stigma on depression. I think it need to be free to talk about it. I was afraid of saying anything because my life is great. Yes....always an adventure....but they are ours. I have a wonderful husband and crazy kids I love with all my heart. What do I have to be depressed about? But I also am struggling. I am chasing my tail. 

So what you see shown to outwardly....isn't always the whole story.... but I'm still writing it and re-working it. And with God's help and my family's...I'll have an awesome book at the end of it all.

I was almost one of THOSE moms

Back in 2008, Trev was a baby with colic. His brother, Mark (5 years earlier), and he had it bad. Trev hated the car and it was a tough time going anywhere because he was always crying when we went somewhere. 

When Trev was about 5 or 6 months old, my bestie, Christina, and I went to Food Lion in order to get some food for a get together. We took Trev with us. All the way to Food Lion, we were talking and having fun as best friends do. Just excited about spending the evening with our families and having a blast.

We arrive to Food Lion. I got out of the car and start walking towards the entrance to Food Lion. As I got to my trunk area, Christina looks at me and says "Forgetting something?" I look at her puzzled. "No...why?" She looked at me and replied "Ummm….your child?"

OMGoodness!!! For the first time everrrrr, Trev had fallen asleep in the car. In his whole 5-6 month life, he had never, ever, fallen asleep in the car.....and here I was about to leave him in there. Talk about the guilt. I was already a mom to 3 and I had never done this. I was in shock that I could've even almost. Yes, I was tired and mommy fogged (all those colicky days can do that to you), but that was no excuse.

Now, granted, I didn't make it away from the car. However, I could've been a number in this terrrrible statistic. I could've been the one to come back to my car and found my child suffering or kidnapped. I could've added to the numbers of children who have died from heat or cold from being left in the car (even tho I was only in Food Lion for about 15 mins....I still feel this). I could've added to the number of children who were kidnapped from not being with their parents.

Now....I am not making excuses for people who have left their kids in their car on purpose...or ones who forgotten them for hours. Because I would've noticed Trev once I got back to the car...or noticed when I had one less child at home (we would do number roll call with our kids by age....just ask #1 and #2...my heart daughters 😄😄). But I also know the rare instance that it can happen in the blink of an eye. 

I am glad my bestie was there. I can't even imagine the heartache I would've had if anything had happened to Trev. But I also understand the quick instance it can happen. I hate to hear of the stories. I hate to hear when it's on purpose or done blatantly. I can't fathom that....but I can see it happening when something is sooooo normal (Trev crying all the time in the car) isn't there anymore (the first time he fell asleep).

No....it never happened before.....or since. It was this one time and it made me super aware that it can happen. It feels me with guilt everytime I hear people doing it....and in comes the comments from others. Yes, I agree with their comments....I feel the stab everytime I hear people write about it. I feel the pain of the "What ifs"

I was almost one of THOSE moms.

This is what an Asperger graduate looks like.

This is a very personal post. I am showing many of you things you don't know. It's kind of intimidating to "bear it all" and let you in to an area of my life that I don't show much. I have swirled this post around and around. It really isn't the easiest to write about.....but I think it is also important to show "behind the curtain" of this disorder.

First....what is Asperger's Syndrome? Asperger's syndrome (also Asperger disorder) used to have it's own section in the DSM...but as of 2013, it is now combined with the Austism spectrum. It is on the high functioning scale. Although ….there are debates about this change. Someone with Asperger's usually "have normal to above average intelligence but typically have difficulties with social interactions and often have pervasive, absorbing interests in special topics."

What are some signs of Asperger's?

• Not understanding social queues
• Not understanding nonverbal queues
• Lack of interest in socializing/making friends
• Cannot infer the thoughts, feelings, or emotions of others
• Over-adherence to routines
• Failure to respect interpersonal boundries
• Obsessive interests in certain topics ( more intense when compared to other children's interest) and can remain the focus of the child's interest and conversation in spite of efforts to redirect the child's attention.
• Language may be interpreted literally (has major problems with the abstract)
• Has problems with irony and sarcasm
• In school, tend to excel in lower grades, but have more difficulties in higher grades

This is not an exhaustive list....but it does give you some idea.
(www.medicinenet.com/asperger_syndrome/article.htm#what_is_aspergers_syndrome)

Now...if you see someone crying. Your thought is to comfort them. A person with Asperger's just sees someone crying....that it has nothing to do with them, so they don't involve themselves. You hear about a family party. Your thought is "Great!" A person with Asperger's say "I'll stay in my room." You talk with someone about sports for 15 mins. A person with Asperger's can talk about it for 3 hours....no matter how much you try and talk about something else. You make a joke....a person will either laugh or roll their eyes because it's corny. A person with Asperger's will hear it and if it isn't a concrete idea.....they can't comprehend it. You hear about a change in your schedule. You say "Ok...let's roll with it." A person with Asperger's will have a complete meltdown. Not just a small thing....an over the top meltdown.

Now....why did I tell you what Asperger's is? Why did I give symptoms? Why did I give examples? Because this is my Ross. My Ross has Asperger's syndrome. I am not saying this is all of what Ross is. However, this is a big part of who he is.

He has difficulties with social queues and nonverbal queues. And because of this, he has problems knowing when something is appropriate to say or do. He has problems understanding why someone is upset and he either argues to try and get you out of it....or he ignores because he can't grasp it.

He has problems with his speech. Not so much saying words, but how they are said and the volume of his voice. He doesn't always recognize when his voice is raising (although there are times he does see it). He doesn't like magic tricks because they aren't real. Jokes are tough with him as well. If they can't be explained (or concrete ideas), he either doesn't get them or he has to try and rationalize them.

Want to know football statistics? Be ready to spend your afternoon with him. Want to know about anime? Again, be ready to spend your afternoon with him. Need info about a computer? He can get long winded over computers too....just not as much. And I'm not speaking about a few minutes....I am talking about hoursssss. . He may stop, but he'll come back at ya with something else. Something he's seen or some new statistic. These are about the only things that will engage him. And want to change the subject? You may get it changed for a few sentences, but it will come back around.

He will shut down if he thinks you aren't listening and going in the direction of his thought. This happens a lot, unfortunately. He has problems when things can't be explained to him in just a certain way. Even after all these years, there is a lot of language barrier between us. 

In elementary school...he excelled in school. If he got a "B" in a class, he was devastated. He wasn't the most orginized....but he got it done. He really loved getting to learn new things. High school was VERY tough with him. People with Asperger's have problems during this time...because of the nature of reading comprehension and writing assignments. It was tough to get things done on time and in the nature it was to be done. An example....one of his teacher's changed how she did things one day. He came home in a complete tizzy because he couldn't understand why things changed and had to be calmed down. To you or me, it wouldn't have been a big deal. We might have even welcomed it. However, he didn't like that things had changed.

He has his own time table and is frustrated and in a tizzy when those time tables have to be changed. Even in elementary school, he had to know everyyyy single thing that was going to happen the next day. If you can give him more time than that, it was even better. Get him in that schedule and he was just fine. Change something even a min different, you were going to have a hot mess on your hand. Even to this day, I have to let him know ahead of time when things are going to happen. If we are spontaneous, you can pretty much count him out.

As I am bearing everything...I will admit too....There are scary times in all this. I have been hit by him (once as a child, once as a teenager)...he has punched holes in our old house...he has made a hole in the wall at our old house from slinging his door so hard....because he is impulsive. He has walked away from home a couple of times.....because his anger is overwhelming. He has gotten physical with his brothers....because he can't understand how to diffuse a situation....or why he should be the one to do it.

Continuing with the lack of handling change...his life is changing now. And I believe he is having a tough time handling it. He's been in school for 12 years now. This past week was the ending of that. He decided at the last minute that he was not going to participate in graduation activities. He had one assignment that needed one thing....and he waited until Friday afternoon to let me know about it. He was allowed to turn it in after the graduation ceremony. However, come Saturday morning....it was a no go. He couldn't grasp why his father and I were so intent in trying to get him to go. Couldn't understand why we were upset that he wasn't going to involve himself in this great time. However, no matter what his dad, Lewis, or I said....we couldn't convince him. And no....there is no way to force him to do it. That would've made things terrible at home and may have ruined things at graduation.

I'll admit. It hurt. I wanted him to feel that pride of making it this far. I wanted him to feel happy that this part was over. I even cried in front of him as a mom who wanted her son to do this. But....he couldn't grasp all that. He couldn't get why we were so sad that he wasn't doing what we had done at his age.

I'll even admit...I was a little jealous of seeing my friends with their kids at their graduation ceremonies. There, in their cap and gown. At their high school. With their families. And none of us got to experience that.

BUT.....he got his diploma Wed! He is now a graduate of West Rowan High. He has now completed his years in school. He may not be able to grasp the importance of this, but it is. He may not be able to understand how proud we are, but we are. He got this done.

So this.....is what an Asperger graduate looks like. It hasn't been an easy road....but he DID IT!

First grade presentation

For a project at school, D and a few of his classmates had to do a presentation. They weren't given much to go off of, so they did it about the "Lost and Found." When people would walk to their spot, they would explain about why so much stuff was in the Lost and Found, why people didn't get their stuff from there, and what types of things were there. 

You never know how your child will do in front of strangers or in high pressure (to them) situations....but we were soooooo proud of them. They did awesome.

This is D and his friend giving the presentation to me and her mom. At first they kept their heads toward the boards, so it was tough to hear them....but as the time went, they didn't have to.

Them talking to someone about the Lost and Found

Starting to get into it.

Telling their music teacher allll about it

As D got more and more comfortable, he started talking with his hands 😂😂😂

And if someone tried to walk away before their presentation, D would say "Oh wait...there's more!" 😂😂😂

Or even might say "I'm not done....we have more information" 

I wish I had gotten a picture, but this was the last thing that happened:

D and his friend did the presentation for the superintendent. When he was done, this is what he said:

"Ok. That's all we have.........would you like a picture with us?"

Cracked his teacher up 😂😂😂

Lego and Experiment Time!

My floor becomes a Lego haven sometimes. They love making houses. Sometimes they make me make the house....then they do the "decorating" 😊

     Dean moved a bit😁😁

Daddy playing around with T

So...at school, T learned what happened if you put peeps in the microwave. Since they got some peeps on Easter, I let him show the others.

Couldn't wait to see the results

Ta-Da....a microwaved peep 😂😂

The world thru a first grader's eyes

I love seeing the journals of my kids. It lets you see a different view of what they see. It's so cute and sometimes it let's you know how they feel things too.

Sometimes, the teacher gave choices (would you rather ____ or ___) Other days (on Fridays), the kids could pick their own questions and answer them. 

Hope you enjoy D's view of everything :)

I did fix spelling errors, but his errors are just as cute

"Giraffes have long necks because God made them that way"

"People get grey hair because their old"

"I think hiccups happen because of the water in belly"

"I would rather have green hair because green feet would be weird"

"I would rather have a hundred dollars because I want to be rich"

"We cry because it hurts our feelings and makes us cry"

"I'm smart. I love learning at school so I can be smart forever"

"Veterans, thank you for keeping the USA safe. I hope y'all stay alive. Y'all are great soldiers"

"Make a picture of your dad"

"Flamingos are pink because God made them pink"

"Why did God make people? God made people so the world can spin"

"I would rather have x-ray vision because I just do"

Changing it up

So with M's bloodwork coming back, we have made changes in our diet. I told him that I would eat the same things along with him, so that he doesn't feel alone. This is a big change in our house. Not that we have really ate bad....we just weren't conscience of what we were eating. I have a few friends helping me, as this is sometimes confusing to me.

Such as...there is soooo many things I can eat on a low carb diet that I didn't realize would be ok. Then, of course, my favorite things are "no-no's" ...like pizza and pasta 😞😞😞 I love my pizza. However....there are ways to make pizza and make it no carb. So I'm happy about that 😁😁😁

This was our first night's supper: bacon wrapped chicken with cheese, carrots, and green beans. 

Then, last night, I made pork chops 4 ways: topped with cheese, with pork rind coating, coated in bacon jam, and plain...in case no one liked the other things. We had butter beans and green beans. Others in the house also had mac and cheese and sweet corn.

I'm not one much for veggies. And the main one I like, I can't have 😞...potatoes. But that's ok. I am doing this for my son...but also for me. I've got to lose some of this weight.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. It seems to be going good right now...but it's only been 3 days (counting today),  but we are gonna have to be diligent in this. I really do think we are going to do great on this. Just gotta get used to our new way of eating. 

Sometimes you wonder....

....if you are a good parent. 

Yes, we fail from time to time. Sometimes we focus so much on the negative that we forget the positive. We don't completely realize how much our kids are taking things in.

The other week, D and I went to see my dad. We took some gifts to him: a shirt, some sharpies, and D was convinced he needed some candy and picked Tick-Tacs. As dad saw everything, he said "Thank you! Everything I need!" To which D replied to him "Well......you don't need it." Dad asked what he meant. D told him "You don't need these things. There's only 3 things you need: family, food, and shelter.....ohhhh and God and Jesus...so 4!"

As we were leaving, D held the door open for me. I said to him "Thank you, sir!" He replied with "You're welcome ma'am!" He then proceeds to tell me "That is what people are supposed to do...men should always hold doors open for ladies. If they don't....they're just lazy!"

On the ride home, we got into a discussion about Heaven. D told me "Heaven is going to be perfect! Cuz there's no pain or crying or anything bad!"  I said "Yep! And we will be in perfect bodies" So he asked me "Are we going to look the same?" I told him I didn't know. 

I have waited too long to write about it, but this conversation went on for about 15 minutes (our car ride from dad's) and I can't remember what else was said. I'll do better next time. It was a precious talk we had.

Another time of proof of positivity: D is getting picked on on the bus. The couple of kids who are doing it have tried to get T to do something to D. Trevor has been very protective of his brother...which I have been proud of. The way these brothers fight....I sometimes wonder. So although I hate (which I don't use that word much) what is going on to D, I am glad his brother is by his side.

Another time of proof: M invited his girlfriend to church...not once but twice. I am so proud that he did that. And happy to hear from her mom that it has helped get her daughter back in church. 

Another time of proof: R had some things going on with his bank account. Now, I told him he'd have to call the bank himself and figure things out. I wasn't too sure how this would go with him. He agreed. Now....he had a little bit of trouble getting thru the automated part...but hey...we all do sometimes, don't we? lol. So I helped him thru that part. Once it got to a bank employee, I let him have at it. About 15 mins later, he brought me back my phone and told me what resulted. I am sooo proud of him.

So like I started this post off with....we so many often times focus on the negative and question ourselves, we need to look for more of the positives and realize we are doing what we can to prepare our kids for their future. 

Things you might see around MoweryLand :) :) :)

Well....first off....you may see a chicken on the ceiling.....

Or...maybe a cowboy with a butterfly net and police badge

Or maybe 2 boys just hanging out in an old garbage can 😂😂😂

 So around here.....you just gotta be ready for anyyyyythinggggg

Dean's b-day

I didn't realize how much I've been away from the blog. My bad. 

So........This guy turned 7 on the 24th. He had a blast. He wore this crown for most of the day. :)

He likes the game "Headbands"......This was us playing it :)

I made him chocolate covered Oreos. Pretty cool, if I do say so myself :)

So the skunk had an Oreo 😂

Then his aunt made him a train cake....with all of his favorite colors (he made her a list of his favorite colors to go by)

He thought it was goooooooddddddddd

My birthday was the week before.....this is the cake my bestie made for me :)

Fun times :)

Haven't done much lately. A couple still have a little bit of sniffles.

However, the main thing that is a constant is that the boys want to write on the blog. That is almost the first thing Dean will ask about. Then Trev will as to do one as well.

I took the boys to Krispy Kreme. They were excited to use a gift card they received and each one did well at picking out something, yet not using the whole thing . Ross doesn't like to have his picture taken, so I told him to at least let his head be shown....and that's all he allowed 😄

I got him once we got in the car though 😄

After this, we went to Food Lion. Right after we got there, we had an accident. The driver's door is now not able to be opened. It is probably hilarious for people to see me "out and about"....since I have to climb in and out of the car via the passenger side. Oh goodness....lol.

Dean and I played with some science experiments last night. The first one didn't work, which was a bummer, but hey...that's how it goes. Then we make a small rocket "blast off." It was neat. Then we made "snow"....didn't tell him that it's technically like the stuff that soaks up liquid in a diaper. 😂

He then soaked some marbles....they are like Orbeez. Those things are so cool.

So, we are changing gears in our homeschooling. It has been a struggle for about the last month to get M to do anything or get excited about it. So we have hit pause and going to reset. That's is one thing about homeschooling....if something isn't working....find something else. I think he is feeling better now since we have talked it out and are changing the way we were doing it. Ohhh we will see. Hoping so.