What you see

You see the smile. You see the "sparkly" eyes (Thank you SnapChat...lol). 

You see the mom learning a game that her boys made up. And not that bad of a game either. They certainly know how to use their imagination and figure things out (when they aren't at each other's throat...lol).

But behind all that....is this:

A wife, mom, friend battling depression.

I have been fighting it for a while. I wanted to be able to make it thru the other side with no help.I have been fighting each day to just get out of bed....but I do....but not always much farther. 

I have had to force myself to take my kids to a movie that we have wanted to go to all summer. I have made plans and have canceled them. I have made plans and forced myself because I knew I needed to come out of the fog. 

Lately, it's been me and my buddy Netflix. My husband has been at the brunt of my attitude. My kids have been on the wrong end of my harsh words. Then the last few days, it's seemed to have gotten worse as I am not sleeping much.

I have headaches and migraines pretty much everyday. I figure it is a circle I am chasing my tail around. I have a headache and don't feel like doing anything, so then I feel bad that I'm not spending time with my kids, then I feel terrible about the type of mother I am being, thus I just bring myself farther down.

Today, I knew I needed to get some help. I went to see a doctor and we are on a plan to help me. I also had blood drawn to see how my thyroid is....as I have given up trying to figure out why I can't lose weight. I know if I felt better and got moving more, that would help tremendously. So all in all....praying I can get this all figured out.

Side note....you know your blood pressure is way high when the person taking it holds her breath and says "Whooo weee, girl!" lol. I said "I'm guessing that's not good" haha

I kept all this struggle quiet. I didn't talk to anyone about it. I figured I could do it on my own. Hubs started figuring out something was wrong, but didn't know what. He questioned a few times what was wrong. I kept quiet still.

So....deciding to not keep quiet anymore. There's a time and a place for keeping quiet....but I think society has started to get rid of stigma on depression. I think it need to be free to talk about it. I was afraid of saying anything because my life is great. Yes....always an adventure....but they are ours. I have a wonderful husband and crazy kids I love with all my heart. What do I have to be depressed about? But I also am struggling. I am chasing my tail. 

So what you see shown to outwardly....isn't always the whole story.... but I'm still writing it and re-working it. And with God's help and my family's...I'll have an awesome book at the end of it all.

I was almost one of THOSE moms

Back in 2008, Trev was a baby with colic. His brother, Mark (5 years earlier), and he had it bad. Trev hated the car and it was a tough time going anywhere because he was always crying when we went somewhere. 

When Trev was about 5 or 6 months old, my bestie, Christina, and I went to Food Lion in order to get some food for a get together. We took Trev with us. All the way to Food Lion, we were talking and having fun as best friends do. Just excited about spending the evening with our families and having a blast.

We arrive to Food Lion. I got out of the car and start walking towards the entrance to Food Lion. As I got to my trunk area, Christina looks at me and says "Forgetting something?" I look at her puzzled. "No...why?" She looked at me and replied "Ummm….your child?"

OMGoodness!!! For the first time everrrrr, Trev had fallen asleep in the car. In his whole 5-6 month life, he had never, ever, fallen asleep in the car.....and here I was about to leave him in there. Talk about the guilt. I was already a mom to 3 and I had never done this. I was in shock that I could've even almost. Yes, I was tired and mommy fogged (all those colicky days can do that to you), but that was no excuse.

Now, granted, I didn't make it away from the car. However, I could've been a number in this terrrrible statistic. I could've been the one to come back to my car and found my child suffering or kidnapped. I could've added to the numbers of children who have died from heat or cold from being left in the car (even tho I was only in Food Lion for about 15 mins....I still feel this). I could've added to the number of children who were kidnapped from not being with their parents.

Now....I am not making excuses for people who have left their kids in their car on purpose...or ones who forgotten them for hours. Because I would've noticed Trev once I got back to the car...or noticed when I had one less child at home (we would do number roll call with our kids by age....just ask #1 and #2...my heart daughters 😄😄). But I also know the rare instance that it can happen in the blink of an eye. 

I am glad my bestie was there. I can't even imagine the heartache I would've had if anything had happened to Trev. But I also understand the quick instance it can happen. I hate to hear of the stories. I hate to hear when it's on purpose or done blatantly. I can't fathom that....but I can see it happening when something is sooooo normal (Trev crying all the time in the car) isn't there anymore (the first time he fell asleep).

No....it never happened before.....or since. It was this one time and it made me super aware that it can happen. It feels me with guilt everytime I hear people doing it....and in comes the comments from others. Yes, I agree with their comments....I feel the stab everytime I hear people write about it. I feel the pain of the "What ifs"

I was almost one of THOSE moms.