What you see

You see the smile. You see the "sparkly" eyes (Thank you SnapChat...lol). 

You see the mom learning a game that her boys made up. And not that bad of a game either. They certainly know how to use their imagination and figure things out (when they aren't at each other's throat...lol).

But behind all that....is this:

A wife, mom, friend battling depression.

I have been fighting it for a while. I wanted to be able to make it thru the other side with no help.I have been fighting each day to just get out of bed....but I do....but not always much farther. 

I have had to force myself to take my kids to a movie that we have wanted to go to all summer. I have made plans and have canceled them. I have made plans and forced myself because I knew I needed to come out of the fog. 

Lately, it's been me and my buddy Netflix. My husband has been at the brunt of my attitude. My kids have been on the wrong end of my harsh words. Then the last few days, it's seemed to have gotten worse as I am not sleeping much.

I have headaches and migraines pretty much everyday. I figure it is a circle I am chasing my tail around. I have a headache and don't feel like doing anything, so then I feel bad that I'm not spending time with my kids, then I feel terrible about the type of mother I am being, thus I just bring myself farther down.

Today, I knew I needed to get some help. I went to see a doctor and we are on a plan to help me. I also had blood drawn to see how my thyroid is....as I have given up trying to figure out why I can't lose weight. I know if I felt better and got moving more, that would help tremendously. So all in all....praying I can get this all figured out.

Side note....you know your blood pressure is way high when the person taking it holds her breath and says "Whooo weee, girl!" lol. I said "I'm guessing that's not good" haha

I kept all this struggle quiet. I didn't talk to anyone about it. I figured I could do it on my own. Hubs started figuring out something was wrong, but didn't know what. He questioned a few times what was wrong. I kept quiet still.

So....deciding to not keep quiet anymore. There's a time and a place for keeping quiet....but I think society has started to get rid of stigma on depression. I think it need to be free to talk about it. I was afraid of saying anything because my life is great. Yes....always an adventure....but they are ours. I have a wonderful husband and crazy kids I love with all my heart. What do I have to be depressed about? But I also am struggling. I am chasing my tail. 

So what you see shown to outwardly....isn't always the whole story.... but I'm still writing it and re-working it. And with God's help and my family's...I'll have an awesome book at the end of it all.